My mom wants some grandkiddies • RSS • archive

Don’t Live with a Gay Man

On me possibly living with my gay best friend:

Mom: “Don’t live with a gay man.  All you will meet are gays.”

Thank you Mom for your insight and wisdom.

You know how you always wanted…

My mom walks into the room:

Mom: “So I spoke to the plastic surgeon about your deviated septum.”

Me: “My what?”

Mom: “She thinks she can fix it and then we can bill the nose job to the insurance.”

Me: “The what?”

My mom tricked me into a nose job.  It turns out she didn’t like my nose.

Plus One

While filling out an invitation for my cousin’s wedding:

Mom: “Are you putting a plus one?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Mom: “You should put a plus one.”

So I put a plus one, as if the simple act of adding another person will make me have a boyfriend.  The result: I canceled the plus one.

Turkey Based

A gay man’s mother once asked a lesbian couple if they wanted him to inseminate one of them.

-Guest Submission!

Talking with Friends

Friend: “So does your daughter have a boyfriend?”

Mom: “No she is single.”

Mom hangs her head in shame.

Accurate Gchat Conversations

Mom (via gchat):  **** thinks you are very beautiful (you are) and wonders why you do not have a boyfriend.  I wonder too, but think maybe you have been hurt and are protecting yourself. Anyway I have this hope/wish that ******* will become your boyfriend.  There, I said it.

GAH! GAH! GAH!

Presents

A married co-worker’s mother sends baby toys as presents to her.  She and her husband do not have children.

My first guest submission!

My Mom’s Career Advice

She walks by and I’m reading ‘Confessions of a Call Girl’.

Mom says: “Don’t even think about being a whore. Its not as glamorous as you think.”

How glamorous did I think whoring was?

Illegitimate

While riding in the car with my mom:

Mom: “You know, I’ll take care of your illegitimate children.”

Me: “I don’t have any children.”

Mom: “You never know.”

Yeah, I’m pretty sure being a woman means you always know how many children you have, mother.

Stockings

My mom bought new stockings for Christmas.  They are white and have our names monogrammed on them like LL.Bean back packs.  She bought two blank ones.  You know for the future…

My brother and I are single.